Warning

Please.... PLEASE. If you love your parents, if you love the smell of freshly cut rain and the way the air feels after a lawnmower goes by, if you love crappy live-action Disney television shows and old black-and-white Nick at Nite, if you love all that is good and pure and holy in this world that also goes in your mouth, do NOT buy "Fat-Free Columbo Vanilla Yogurt."

Low-fat Columbo Vanilla Yogurt is fantastic. I was surprised myself. The mouthfeel is creamy, the yogurt coats your spoon, has a real heft to it, thick but somewhat delicate. The vanilla is there, and sure, a bit artificial, but not overpowering or treacly (which I just learned means "overly sweet; cloying").

The Fat-Free version does not resemble its low fat brethren in any way outside the similar packaging. When you open the lid, the surface is flat and plasticine, like a soup left out too long. The yogurt slides greasily off your spoon, leaving a thin translucent film. It glistens too much. Worst of all, however, is the aftertaste. Apparently the chemists at Columbo have found a way to remove all fat from yogurt by grinding down tooth fillings into a clear paste and mixing it into pre-existing products. Imagine Aluminum-flavored cough syrup without the woozy side-effects. Add a hint of sugar-free vanilla syrup, stir in some fake Kreem TM for bulk, and you've got a healthy, shudder-enducing glob of white.

If you're looking for a tasty, creamy, flavorful vanilla yogurt, get Columbo's Low Fat Vanilla. Use the Fat-Free stuff to unclog your pipes.