"That is No Way to..." #1

To the Asian sir on the subway train traveling north yesterday: That is no way to eat a burrito.

The burrito itself looked adequate, above-average even. Good helping of shredded chicken, some black beans, rice with maybe a hint of lime. Nice skein of guacamole. But first was the Bite Size. Whoa, man. The mouth cavity is only so big for a reason. To lunge at a burrito with such ferocity, tearing at it with ripping incisors, goes against all things digestive. I like to eat my food, not destroy it. Now if the burrito had it coming, I understand. But maybe the burrito was just defending its manhood. Maybe the burrito was projecting its own low self-image onto you. Does that give you the right to attack it like that? Does it? Huh?

I've gone off-track.

Here's the point: You can eat a burrito however you wish. That's fine. But what is not fine is eating one while listening to your iPod. Have you ever chewed something with ear buds in? It sounds like you're walking through an underground tunnel with heavy boots on over bubble-wrap. And you're on the train, anyway. Can you really hear your music over the screeching brakes and whooshing noise?

Then he pulls out his flip-phone. With one hand, he's texting back a friend. With the other, he holds the poor foil-wrapped burrito, and collapses his face onto it again.

Listening to your iPod while texting your friend on a subway train taking gigantic bites: That, Asian guy, is no way to eat a burrito.

Where No Oh!s Have Gone Before...

I've been known to employ some nontraditional methods in eating the simplest things. Melted ice cream over cereal? Sure. Oatmeal instead of ground beef in a taco? Why not. Normally, the Ladyfriend Companion grimaces and clenches her stomach in witnessing such acts. But this morning, the ol' LfC went one step beyond even I'm willing to go.

She brewed some coffee. Ate her cereal, the stellar Oh!s (like a large Cheerio with honey-flecked oats and granola stuffed in the middle). Then, in lieu of half-and-half or a splash of 2%, she dropped a few spoonfuls of her cereal-milk into her coffee mug.

I was on the other side of the kitchen when she told me what she was doing.

"Ha, yeah right," I said, thinking she's just mocking my experimental whims.

"No, seriously," she said, and I turned to see her dip a spoon into the cloudy milk and drizzle some into the mug.

"OH!" I was not repeating the name of the cereal. "Oh wow... that's gross, dude."

To my sweet lady: I cannot abide. Drink it separately if you will, but do not taint the miracle that is Coffee with your leftover cereal-dampening fluid.

A Modest Request

So: Just had a thought. I hope my future offspring are not obese. Why? Not for the unhealthiness of it. Not for the social impediments. Not for the potential for low self-esteem. Not for the difficulty in finding tuxes/dresses that fit for their first high school dance.

But because they'd require a higher caloric intake to fully nourish their bodies. Which would require more food. Which means more money spent on food. And frankly, the way things are going, I just don't know if I'll have the income for it.

Is this sick? Honest? Cheap? Fiscally conservative? Thoughts/insults are welcome.