Thursday, October 7, 2010

Please Do Not Eat These Foods.

If you have any decency left in your withering bodies, do not seek sustenance here. Go elsewhere. This will not fill your bellies. This will only addle your brains.

Since we're all so connected and the distance between Cyber- and Internal-space is becoming thinner by the day, we all know what the other people are thinking about with the help of a little tool called 'Trending Now.' At least on the Yahoo home page, a litany of terms greet you when you sign in, expressing that these terms are being searched about more than most. Earlier today, I noticed an alarming topic that was, for some reason known only to Transylvanian seafood restaurant owners, 'trending now.' That topic?

Dracula fish.

I don't know what they are. I daren't even click on the link, lest my love of Dracula and fish become enmeshed and, thereby, ruined. And I don't care if "daren't" isn't a true contraction. Darn well should be.

Then I reloaded the page a few hours later in the day. Now trending?

Spaghetti Tacos.

So there's mid-term elections coming up, the MLB playoffs have begun, terrorist plans have just been obtained, a new fuzzy video of Bin Laden is floating around out there, obesity epidemic research is positing new and relevant theories, my sister is turning 38..... and a high percentage of the internet-searching public are looking for information on Dracula Fish and Spaghetti Tacos?

Maybe Wired magazine was right. The Web is Dead. At least British pub owners will have something new to put on their menu for the first time in 1,000 years. ("They're bloody Fish 'n Chips! Get it?")

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Theeeeeey're Bueno!"

Last week I trekked down to Playa del Carmen, just outside of Cancun, for a hometown buddy's wedding. To be sure, much good eats and drinks were consumed. Fresh guacamole topped everything from omelettes to cheese sandwiches. Pork Tacos were made and brought to you pool-side. The Corona flowed like wine. But a highlight of this international gastronomic feast?

So, Tony's south-of-the-border cousin is shilling for Kellogg's too, eh? Take a closer look at his bandanna and you'll see that his name is "Tigre Tono." The sun must have an effect on tiger's physical features, too. Let's compare our renowned American version:

Notice the slight double-chin, the yellowed eyes... the American Tony is apparently chubby and has jaundice. Shame on you Kellogg's of America for furthering the stereotype that U.S. citizens are inactive alcohol-abusers.

Another point of interest is the lack of a shadow on Tigre Tono. Whatsoever does this mean? Is Guillermo del Toro's new book series a hint that Mexicans are not simply stealing Americans' jobs with cheap labor, but another type of blood-suckers altogether??

Oh wait--vampires don't have reflections... right.**

So eat a bowl of Zucaritas today!

**The content on EdibleWrecks has no relationship to the personal or political views of its author.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

In Response to a Certain "Lauren"...

So last post I explained ever so carefully how to make your very own Peanut Butter Toast, complete with Nutella and Jam. I hope the Paint picture diagrams helped.

Then some wiseacre out there, with the pseudonymous label "Lauren," had this to say in the comments:

Lauren said...

Ewww! You like PEANUT BUTTER?!?

And so to this "Lauren" I ask: What is that, some kind of sick twisted joke?

Honestly. I don't even understand the words.

Fess up, or risk my Smooth & Creamy wrath.