Friday, May 8, 2009

Poor Man's Paella

The trusty Food Lover's Companion defines paella as, "A Spanish dish of saffron-flavored rice combined with a variety of meats and shellfish (such as shrimp, lobster, clams, chicken, pork, ham and chorizo), garlic, onions, peas, artichoke hearts, and tomatoes." Truly, a robust and flavorful meal.

But what if you don't have all that stuff? What if, like me, you are poor? And yet, if you're anything like me (who are you, anyway? And why are we so damned similar? You worry me with your imitative ways. First it's the facial hair. Then it's the t-shirt. Before I know it you'll be sleeping with my ladyfriend companion under this guise, and, as Chris Elliot's character in Groundhog Day once said, "Nobody touches the horn but me, pal, okay?" ) then you'll love food too much to deny yourself its simple pleasures. So. I give you an alternative version, suitable for our economic times.

Poor Man's Paella

1 cup leftover brown rice, Carolina brand
1 Tbs tap water
1/4 cup of powdery remnants from almost-empty bag of shredded mild cheddar cheese
A few spritzes Frank's Red Hot

-Take Glad container of rice out of fridge. Bring to room temperature.
-Add water to container. Stir lightly with finger.
-Heat container in microwave on HIGH for 45 seconds.
-Remember something bad someone told you once about microwaving plastic.
-Wonder if Gladware products are, in fact, plastic.
-Wonder if you should transfer rice to microwave-safe plate.
-Worry for the health and safety of your future children.
-Hear "ding."
-Remove container from microwave. Empty rice onto small plate.
-Pour cheese over rice. The residual heat will begin to melt the tiny cheddar bits, but not so much that they completely melt, creating a texture not unlike poorly-stirred Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.
-Run fork through mixture 6 or 7 times, enough to distribute cheese while leaving a few mounds of powder on top. This will make for a variety of flavor bursts throughout, both subtle and intense.
-Spritz mixture with Red Hot, to taste.

Enjoy while sitting on the floor, standing and flipping through last week's Sunday paper, or in front of your laptop while watching reruns of The Dana Carvey Show on Hulu since your TV hasn't worked since the all-digital upgrade began in February.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Tomato: Nature's Kidney

Tomatoes have many commendable traits: a pleasing red color, the flexibility of preparation (it's a sauce! it's a salsa! it's a salad! etc.), that darn Lycopene you keep hearing about, their aptness as projectile... the list goes on. Instead of telling you things you already know, we here at Edible Wrecks wish to broaden your horizons. Our goal is to show you the world of food from a new perspective. To inform you of the extraordinary, near-limitless potential of our most common crops and pre-packaged snacks. The tomato, you see, has a secret. Once the scientific world gets wind of this, we might have a firestorm of R&D on our hands, trying to harness this remarkable, and, until now, unheralded ability. Let's just hope it is used for the power of Good. Lord knows there are hundreds of grown-up pranksters--the little brother who stuck your finger in warm water overnight, the sword-fighting cousins, the Aunt with the lackadaisical bladder--who would use such knowledge for their nefarious schemes. So please, guard this information. Share it wisely. And know that tomatoes are not just a nutritious fruit (vegetable?) rich in antioxidants. They are, it seems, something else entirely......




Like kidneys, a tomato will, over time, collect and distribute a large quantity of urine.


"How do they do this?" you ask. "What sort of remarkable auto-urethra makes this possible in an organism with no known digestive system?" So far, it's a mystery. But the fact remains: A slice of tomato, given time to sit out on a kitchen table, will, as if by some reverse photosynthesis, produce and collect a sizable volume of what looks exactly like piss.

I give credit to my roommate for the discovery, and I thank him for allowing the speciman to remain, untouched, until the phenomenon was properly documented.

Look into the future! And imagine the possibilities...