Poor Man's Paella

The trusty Food Lover's Companion defines paella as, "A Spanish dish of saffron-flavored rice combined with a variety of meats and shellfish (such as shrimp, lobster, clams, chicken, pork, ham and chorizo), garlic, onions, peas, artichoke hearts, and tomatoes." Truly, a robust and flavorful meal.

But what if you don't have all that stuff? What if, like me, you are poor? And yet, if you're anything like me (who are you, anyway? And why are we so damned similar? You worry me with your imitative ways. First it's the facial hair. Then it's the t-shirt. Before I know it you'll be sleeping with my ladyfriend companion under this guise, and, as Chris Elliot's character in Groundhog Day once said, "Nobody touches the horn but me, pal, okay?" ) then you'll love food too much to deny yourself its simple pleasures. So. I give you an alternative version, suitable for our economic times.

Poor Man's Paella

1 cup leftover brown rice, Carolina brand
1 Tbs tap water
1/4 cup of powdery remnants from almost-empty bag of shredded mild cheddar cheese
A few spritzes Frank's Red Hot

-Take Glad container of rice out of fridge. Bring to room temperature.
-Add water to container. Stir lightly with finger.
-Heat container in microwave on HIGH for 45 seconds.
-Remember something bad someone told you once about microwaving plastic.
-Wonder if Gladware products are, in fact, plastic.
-Wonder if you should transfer rice to microwave-safe plate.
-Worry for the health and safety of your future children.
-Hear "ding."
-Remove container from microwave. Empty rice onto small plate.
-Pour cheese over rice. The residual heat will begin to melt the tiny cheddar bits, but not so much that they completely melt, creating a texture not unlike poorly-stirred Kraft Mac 'n Cheese.
-Run fork through mixture 6 or 7 times, enough to distribute cheese while leaving a few mounds of powder on top. This will make for a variety of flavor bursts throughout, both subtle and intense.
-Spritz mixture with Red Hot, to taste.

Enjoy while sitting on the floor, standing and flipping through last week's Sunday paper, or in front of your laptop while watching reruns of The Dana Carvey Show on Hulu since your TV hasn't worked since the all-digital upgrade began in February.